My Big Fight Story

I’m going to publically share the biggest marital fight I had with Chad over 20 years of marriage. It was about money, well actually… Dawn dish soap.

When it comes to money, I’m a self-proclaimed “behaviorist.” That means professionally, I’m

listening to what my clients say and comparing it to what they do with money.

In my experience, most couples who disagree about money do not actually fight about money itself. Rather, they fight about how money should and shouldn’t be used. They experience a clash of values. It just so happens that nothing reveals our individual values & priorities more than sharing our paychecks with someone!

My biggest money fight:

It was a dark, cold night in 2001. I was washing dishes after dinner.

In the middle of our kitchen stood a white trash can, which was totally full.

While doing dishes I made a business decision for the family: “The Sponge Thingy” with soap in the handle was stupid. It never let out enough soap and the scrubby head was gunked. Gross!

Into the trash it went. There it laid on top of our rubbish. Chad came by to take the trash out.

Then I heard, “What are you doing throwing all this perfectly good soap away?” I heard the trash bag thunk back down into the bin; he stood there holding the Sponge Thingy out toward me.

I thought he was kidding so I laughed and said, “That’s funny.” He wasn’t kidding. When I

realized he was serious I said, “Don’t worry about it. We have plenty of soap!” I held up a full

bottle of Dawn.

“That’s not the point,” he yelled, “You’re wasting all this perfectly good soap!” I explained to him that it was two-cents worth of soap, and we could certainly afford that. He shot back, “Waste not, want not.”

Now I was getting angry. I yelled, “What do you suggest I do instead? Unscrew the Sponge

Thingy, unscrew the Dawn and pour the soap back into the bottle? That’s totally ridiculous.

Chad!”

He said, “Yes, I do expect that. It’s good stewardship, Leanne.”

I shot back, “Who are YOU to decide how much soap I use, or what’s enough? I have an idea, why don’t we agree to count the number of drops of soap we use when washing dishes? That way we can be sure that we have properly stewarded our resources.”

I watched him consider the idea, and in hope of ending the matter he smiled and said, “That’s a great idea!” He moved toward me to hug it out. No hugging. I wanted to punch his face!

The verbal sprawl went round and round for a stupid long time.

It ended when I picked up the bottle of Dawn, unscrewed the lid and dramatically poured the WHOLE bottle of soap down the drain.

$3 dollars of soap gone and zero dishes washed.

In Chad’s family it’s a sin to set the heater above 62 degrees in January. The wonderful people who raised him sincerely believe it is WASTEFUL to spend money on electricity. They also consider it poor stewardship to spend money on heat.

Several years ago, their five adult children decided they would give Mom and Dad the gift of

“heat without guilt” for Christmas. The kids paid to fill their propane tank max and prepaid their electric bill for the winter months. Sure enough, when anyone would stop over, they were still wearing 5 layers, gloves and hats indoors. They couldn’t see wasting their kids’ money on gas or electricity as any different than theirs.

They have made spending wasting; which is morally wrong to them. Chad had the same

financial script deeply ingrained in his belief system; it was part of him.

I have a different belief system, or financial script.

I grew up in a family where my parents would ‘borrow’ my babysitting money while I was at

school and never put it back. When I needed anything from shoes to paying YMCA to certify me as a lifeguard, I was told to mow lawns or shovel snow for neighbors. There never was, nor would be, any financial help from my parents. Instead of help, there was sabotage.

This made a financial script in me that fires loud and clear: only Leanne can take care of Leanne when it comes to money.

After I landed my first lifeguarding job, I remember thinking I’d finally have the money I needed to provide for my personal needs. I believed I would be safe. When the first paycheck came, my parents told me they had a new rule. There forward, I would pay 40% of my check to them as “Family Appreciation Money,” then 10% to church. This firmly cemented my mistrust of others around my money. Money provides resources to make choices. To this girl, choices are power and safety. My financial script is always screaming

“aint-nobody-gonna-tell-me-how-to-use-my-money.”

I see money as a tool, it’s a thing, a resource. It’s neutral. To this girl, buying electricity is a

perfectly viable and responsible use of dollars. If I want to spend $30 extra dollars a month to

have every light on, no one is going to tell me that’s a bad choice!

Chad and Leanne had totally different paradigms about how money should and shouldn’t be

used. That’s why we almost broke up over dish soap. He saw my choice as waste. I saw his

frugality as shaming. No wonder money is the #1 thing couples fight about and the #1 cause of divorce.

I believe relationships can be enriched when a couple learns how to get on the same page with money. That’s why I devote so much of my time to what I call “financial therapy.” I help couples get on the same page with their finances.

When we meet to talk about your investments, I’m watching for both of your financial scripts,

and we talk about them so that your family can thrive financially.

When you’re talking to me about college for the kids and one of you is hell bent on paying 100% while the other says nothing (but is giving off body language that reveals there’s another opinion in the room), the loudest voice in the room doesn't win in my office.

I have watched families go from a complete loss of trust around finances and resentment toward their spouse over money to communicating and working together. Let’s face it, sometimes it helps to have a financial professional say, “You’re right. And so is he!”

Chad was never going to agree that it’s a wise use of finances to spend money on lights. He

learned that telling me I can’t spend money on lights and heat violated my sense of security and ignited rebellion in me. I learned he holds sacred the pillars of stewardship and not being wasteful. It made him feel right with God, so honored it the best I can.

So how did we agree about money then? We didn’t. He was right. I was right. Bottomline, it was wrong for either of us to shame the other

We learned to create mechanisms founded in agreement rather than disagreement:

1. Leanne would use all the electricity she wanted for lights & heat. He promised to never take that from me as long as I didn’t lash out when he turned off lights behind me..

2. Chad could wash dishes with a trickle of water and very little soap, and I would no longer mock him or turn the water up while he scrubbed pots.

3. When Chad went to the casino 2xs a year with his brother, Leanne wanted to commit murder. He promised he would only take $200 cash, and I would try to forget about it instead of throwing a fit.

4. We didn’t share toothpaste, we bought two tubes. He got to roll his in just the right way to maximize that every drop is used. I squeeze in the middle all I want and chuck the thing whenever I decide it’s done. So many fights averted!

5. Chad stopped preaching about my “wasteful” Starbucks habit. He often bought me a Starbucks gift card because it provided him a sense of ‘stewardship’ and I got coffee guilt free.

6. I washed clothes whenever I wanted. Yes, even small loads–which made his skin crawl. This girl happily spent money on water and electricity. When he did our laundry, he filled the washer to the max. Conversely, I learned not to complain that he hung jeans andtowels (uggh!) to save on dryer costs.

What are your fundamentl beliefs about money? How are they showing up in your marriage?

Perhaps you don’t know, but if you look inside, I bet you’ll find your “should” and “should not” financial script.

When you observe your spouse spending (or not spending) money, what is your visceral

reaction to their choices? What are the things you are passing judgment on in their financial

choices? Can you see a financial script (paradigm) in you or in them? I guarantee you, those

scripts are creating the financial result you’re getting as a family.

If you need help answering questions, I’m here.